It’s enough to make anyone in Norwich weep. After what seems like an eternity and more false leads than we care to think of, the broadcasting Behemoth that is Alan Partridge may soon be making his Hush-Puppied way towards the silver screen.

“It is better,” said the essayist and moralist Joseph Joubert, “to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.” In the spirit of such a great man that we just found out about on Wikipedia, we present you, gentle reader, with the first in what may well be a series of debates on the state of modern film.

After months of speculation, debate, rumours and one of the most aggressive cinematic marketing pushes of recent memory, Avatar received its premiere last night in London. Despite a flurry of non-disclosure agreements being signed left, right and centre the press just couldn’t wait.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is Seth Grahame-Smith’s best-selling adaptation of Jane Austen’s classic. In this version, heroine Elizabeth Bennet also has to fight off zombies after the outbreak of a virus that turns dead people into flesh-eating zombies.

If ‘kidult’ films are the latest trend in Hollywood, Where the Wild Things Are would be at a Kate Moss level of cool, as the hype surrounding it demonstrates. But this is one movie that lives up to its press – the sumptuous visuals, amazing costumes and edgy soundtrack create an amazing and unique cinematic experience. There’s not as much in it for the kids as some parents might like, but the lack of family-friendly formulaic storytelling is also what makes it great.

Wife vs. Ninja is the story of a suburban housewife whose husband, a scientist, leaves her for a beautiful young intern. After discovering that the intern is, in fact, a ninja assassin out to steal her husband’s work, she embarks on a mission to expose the ninja bitch.

Teenage boys will soon be fantasising about detention with Cameron Diaz. Male teachers will be daydreaming of staff meetings with the blonde bombshell and female teachers will be sighing with..

$110 million is a lot of money to ask from a man famous for gay jokes and saying “boo-yakasha” in a yellow suit. But if you’d been unfairly branded a terrorist in a film that was seen by millions around the globe, you’d probably be pretty cheesed off too.

You may well find yourself groaning numerous times as you read through this no-news, as there’s absolutely nothing enticing, exciting, or even mildly amusing about any aspect of it. It’s just one of those things that’ll make you lose faith in humanity that teensy little bit more. Who says you get nothing for free online?

It’s a case of all work and no play for Avatar director and all-around blockbuster wizard James Cameron. He’s jumping straight back on the production wagon, developing a new, as yet unannounced sci-fi script for Fox.