Slow down, Margot, you’re giving us a headache.

Since the apparent collapse of Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story, the task of introducing a new audience to the world’s most famously capacious throat and the woman who came with it has fallen entirely to Rob Epstein’s Lovelace. Unfortunately, a gorgeous performance from Amanda Seyfried can’t eclipse ninety minutes of hopeless bias and wilful whitewashing.…

“Poison us? We’ll poison you.” Cue shudders…

Tom Hardy in the running to play stupid, naked, jobless, homeless virgin who has never seen toilet paper.

What exactly did you expect from an action epic based on a tea-time board game, starring John Carter, Rihanna, Liam Neeson in his sternest nose and an unexpected boat-steering pensioner whose only line is “looks like someone’s gonna BITE THE DONKEY”? Is this the greatest film ever made? Is it so dreadful I can’t see colours anymore? Why do the aliens love horses? Why is it OK to ask whether a man with prosthetic limbs might be “ONE OF THEM CYBORGS?” Is that blood running down your ears, or can tears come out of there now? Battleship has changed everything.

Someone told her Chris Brown was round the corner.

Rod Lurie’s remake of Sam Peckinpah’s controversial thriller follows the original virtually beat-for-beat – except where it matters. As a stand alone film it’s OK, but held up to the original it feels almost entirely pointless. Half a star goes to James Marsden’s lovely curly hair.

Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg both give admirably miserable performances in Melancholia; a shoe-in for Film Most Likely To Make You Top Yourself 2011. Bleak, beautiful, and oh so very Von Trier, Melancholia offers an alternative to your run of the mill blast-tastic apocalypse – it turns out there’s going to be a lot of horses lying down.