Oh g’awwwn Jim. Playing Colonel Stars could be fun…

YOU’RE NOT MATTHEW VAUGHN oh alright it’s fine

The film of that TV series you’ve never heard of, Dark Shadows does justice to neither its cult classic source material nor the combined talents of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. Fifty times longer than its trailer and half as enjoyable, Dark Shadows is one of the most tiresome, derivative and uninspiring movies you’re likely to see this year.

“It was bad, Mama…”

Yeah, yeah we’ve heard it all before, Miller

It’s nice to see young girls carrying guns again.

Another day, another remake…

Whoever knew vampires could be so colourful?

Where are the spiral staircases?

Good luck outacting a fifteen-year-old, Rupe.