Ever wondered what it would feel like to be told after the event that your lap-dancer has crabs? Wonder no more – this exploitation thriller come ho-mance will take you through it step by sordid step.

Hmm, it seems that I’m pretty psychic myself. The moment I read the premise for Episode 50, I instinctively knew that there was a big case of ‘ghost hunters getting more than they bargained for’ heading my way. And, sadly, I was not mistaken.

After Kevin Deakin returns home from combat after being presumed dead, his loved ones are overjoyed to see him. But as rumours of desertion abound, how long can his warm welcome last? Paul Greengass at his pre-Bourne best in a film that attempts to get to grips with the psychology of a man broken by war.

Centring on an underwater cave exploration gone wrong, Sanctum mixes real-life events of writer Andrew Wight with the words “EXECUTIVE PRODUCED BY JAMES CAMERON”. It’s not quite The Descent, it’s not quite The Abyss, it’s not quite worth the money you’d pay for it.

“A city in conflict” reads the tag line, but that doesn’t even begin to cover the violent nature of Jaffa’s Ajami neighbour hood. Ajami attempts to capture the lives of various families caught up in this lethal religious boiling pot.

Producer: “Ok, guys, I’ve had the greatest idea for our new film. So I was watching Fight Club, right, and then I saw Big Fat Gypsy Weddings with the missus, and then I saw Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus. And what did I come up with? Only City boys versus gypos in a countryside war. GET IN.”

Heavy Metal, muscles, blood, and Vinnie Jones. Oh, and tits. Lots of tits. All in slow motion.

It does exactly what it says on the box. Aliens. And Ninjas. Oh, and they don’t get on. What did you expect?

Director Rafi Pitts chose himself as lead in a very biased bit of casting for The Hunter. Too bad it didn’t pay off, as his taciturn presence makes the potentially tense cat and mouse narrative drag.

Things start to get all twisty-turny for the mourning Sarah when she happens across a young man running for his life. Tuck yourself in for this French Horror/Thriller from the sibling directors Caroline and Éric du Potet. Who said that subtitles ruin a good bit of tension? Well, buy them a drink from me, because they were right. But don’t worry, hardly anyone says anything.