Things to look forward to in the coming year.

You are a smelly pirate hooker, and I’m going to slap you in public.

Just walk away, Elizabeth Banks. Just Walk away and there will be an end to the horror

The first feature length film for director Jake Schreir shows us a glimpse into our near-future. Glass phones, voice-activated video-calling on HD screens, robots cooking lasagne; it’s really the 21st century dream. But what do we do with all the old people? Turns out what we do is give them robots and let them steal diamonds and antique versions of Don Quixote.

Ring, ring, hookah, Lee Daniels is on the line.

Rod Lurie’s remake of Sam Peckinpah’s controversial thriller follows the original virtually beat-for-beat – except where it matters. As a stand alone film it’s OK, but held up to the original it feels almost entirely pointless. Half a star goes to James Marsden’s lovely curly hair.

Every December, on the magical eve of collective financial ruin, mega-marketing corporations and advertising henchmen alike find a way to manipulate one and all into mindless, mass-consumerism. Alas, Christmas comes but once a year, the jolly holiday is eight long months away, and creme eggs don’t sell themselves. What to do? Well exploit Easter, of course, and monetise the hell out of the seasonal anthropomorphisms.

For all of those who loved Disney’s live action Noo York take on a full scale fairytale (and we’re not ashamed to admit that we’re among that number), hold onto your glittery, magic pants! Enchanted 2 is offiically set to go, though there have been a few changes to the production line-up.

A bumbling slacker runs over the Easter Bunny and must nurse him to health and save Easter. No, we’re not kidding, it’s the plot of I Hop, a new zany family comedy that starts shooting this autumn. The only possible saving grace? The Easter Bunny is voiced by Russell Brand.