Ah, star-crossed love, favourite of doe-eyed teenage girls all over the land. This year sees the release of Upside Down, a classic posh-bird-falls-for-common-scamp tale, the extra romantic hurdle being EXISTING ON SEPARATE GRAVITATIONAL PLANES. As someone unwilling to date anyone more than three tube stops away (because ugh, effort), I can’t help but admire their tenacity. And that, with several other reasons, is why my life never formed the basis of a rom-com. Here are some folks who tried harder.

Disney confirmed to have more money than Scrooge McDuck and Smaug the Dragon put together

It’s February 14th and, while that may be just another flip of the daily calendar to some of you, it’s a pretty damn important day to the rest of us. Valentine’s Day is a time that should be treasured, cherished and celebrated in serious style – so put DOWN that tacky pink novelty chocolate box and feast your eyes on the top 10 chick flicks ever instead…

Overload on the Trans4mers news, pretend you care

To celebrate the release of groundbreaking nonsense Battleship, we’ve sailed the high seas of cinema in search of the silver screen’s best ever boats. Which is your favourite? The Pequod? La Amistad? The Potemkin? Yeah, none of them are in it.

I think, by now, we’re all aware that for years Hollywood has been making terrible mistake after terrible mistake. Self-confessed penis-whisperer Samantha Brick has set the world alight with her truly admirable fight against gender equality, and we feel it’s only right that we celebrate with her in style. Why bother using literally any other actresses when Samantha Brick continues to erupt loins with the power of her own face? Five films that, if all things were equal, The Brick would have smashed. Set your eyes from Vision to Erection. This is going to get moist.

Oh sure, everybody knows that James Cameron loves going crazy with his special effects. And, sure, everyone knows that he had something to do with Titanic… but what ELSE do you know about tempestuous Captain Jim, eh? Exactly. Prepare for an iceberg of knowledge to sink (and destroy) your preconceptions on one of the most influential men in Hollywood…

IT SINKS?

With hard-hitting sex-addict drama Shame hitting our screens to the applause of critics everywhere, it’s no wonder we’ve got the two-backed monster on our minds. From Carey Mulligan’s unexpected nudity (forget the sad eyes!) and Fassbender’s humongous ‘fassbender’, it was pretty sexy. So sexy. But also horribly horribly unsexy. And so, to celebrate all things gross and disturbing in the bedroom, we’ve decided to count down the top 10 least sexy sex scenes ever…

He’s found the Heart of the Ocean, and it’s shaped like a kick in the face.