Mini Movies: The Shawshank Redemption
*Morgan Freeman creaks amicably in a chair*
Sounds of a scuffle, cut to a rooftop
Tim Robbins: I DIDN’T KILL MY WIFE
Tommy Lee Jones: I DON’T CARE
Scene opens: We see Shawshank, a big ol’ prison with some (limited) bird access. TIM ROBBINS is shoved in a cell, and looks very much like a man who’ll turn out to be innocent by the end of the film.
Tim Robbins: *silence*
Gang of Murdering Rapists: *looks over*
Tim Robbins: *mournful silence, small hoots*
Gang of Murdering Rapists: Gigidy.
Morgan Freeman (advert voice): Hey, new guy. whatcha in for?
Tim Robbins: I’m innocent
Everyone: *knows it*
Morgan Freeman: I’m the only guilty man in Shawshank.
Tim Robbins: What’dya do?
Morgan Freeman: Stole a loaf of bread to feed my dying child or a rape or something. Listen, it doesn’t matter, trust me, you’ve got this whole “audience on your side” thing going on, and I like that about you. If you need anything, you let me know. I’m a guy who can get things.
Cut to shower
Gang of murdering rapists: Yo, sugar nuts, you got the Radox?
Tim Robbins: Sup fellas?
Gang of murdering rapists: HEY LOOK OVER THERE
*Some rape happens*
Back on rooftop, the prisoners are working all labour like
Guards: God I hate maths
Tim Robbins: I love maths!
Prisoners and guards: Hurrah!
*Maths and beer party montage commences – amongst the 80s synth TIM ROBBINS rides a motorbike into the sun, hi-fives a jackdaw and builds a mother f*cking library*
Some years pass
Morgan Freeman: *something about how his day is going quite well*
Tim Robbins: Yeah I know, listen. In the unlikely event that something… happens… to me. Something. Anything. If I get the wrong soup or lose a shoe or escape from prison or whatever, can you remember something?
Morgan Freeman: Why? Oh, how’s that hammer I gave you working out, by the way? Hope it cheered you up after I found all those bits of wall in your hair.
Tim Robbins: It’s fine. And no reason. None at all. Especially not any of those things I just said. But listen. Zihuatanejo. Remember it.
Morgan Freeman:… It’s unlikely anyone would remember such an obscure word.
Tim Robbins: Yeah I know –
Morgan Freeman: Especially with all the time that’s about to elapse.
Tim Robbins: Yes, but-
Morgan Freeman: And actually, I’m pretty sure less emphasis was put on it in the actual film than this, making it even more-
Tim Robbins: That’s right, but-
Morgan Freeman: Can’t you just say Prague or France or something?
Tim Robbins: ZIHUATANEJO
TIM ROBBINS IS MISSING
Poster of Raquel Welch: TADA!
Everyone else: SHIT!
Tunnel of Poo: IN YOUR FACE!
Years pass even slower than those other slow years before
Morgan Freeman is set free
Chair: *looks like it will hang Morgan Freeman*
Morgan Freeman’s feet: Fooled ya!
Audience: Bursts into tears
Emotional impact: WASSUP!
Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman: Nnnnnuuuueeeeeergggghhhhhhhhhhhh