Featured

The Muppets

We’ve gone far too long without anyone playing the music, and don’t even get us started on what’s happened to the lights. Thank goodness then that The Muppets are finally where they belong – back on the big screen and firmly in our hearts. The story might not be the most ambitious one around and the great Frank Oz’s absence can’t help but be felt, but when you’ve got Fozzie Bear in fart-shoes, Dave Grohl on the drums and our ol’ pal Kermit at the centre of it all, it’s difficult to imagine more wholesome family fare.

Man on a Ledge

A heist movie in which the main character spends 90% of his screentime on a foot-wide ledge? That sounds interesting! And it nearly was. Man on a Ledge contains all the ingredients necessary for a credible thriller, but it falls at the last hurdle – putting them together. Also, Sam Worthington is still useless. Message ends.

Chronicle

Another found footage film? Really? About some teenagers who unexpectedly develop superpowers? You may be struggling to decide whether this is more shamelessly ripped off from Misfits or Jumper, but Josh Trank’s slick and brooding feature debut is very much an original. You’ll believe a nerd can fly…

Bail Enforcers

We didn’t expect much from a film starring a wrestler. But we did expect a film starring a lady wrestler to not be relentlessly sexist. WELL SUE US FOR SHOWING A LITTLE OPTIMISM.

W.E.

Madonna’s ‘directorial debut’ (which is actually nothing of the sort, it’s just that her last film was so shit she’s pretending it doesn’t exist) is such a flagrant exercise in cinematic wish-fulfilment that it’s almost not worth pointing out. Contemporary American material girl in an unhappy marriage looks to the most glamorous woman in the world and her controversial transformation into the star of the English gentry? W.E. is unforgivable.

Underworld Awakening

Underworld is back, and having tempted Kate Beckinsale back into the franchise’s trademark catsuit it isn’t long before she is jumping off of really tall buildings only to land silently as though nothing has changed. While this might still constitute somewhat of a return to form for the series, however, we are still left wondering how exactly it earned one sequel, let alone three.

Tomorrow, When the War Began

As I understand it, there’s a genre of young adult dystopian fiction which sees teenagers or children dealing with issues and stuff in post-apocalyptic or distressing settings of some description. The ‘Tomorrow’ series, by Australian author John Marsden, is one example. Tomorrow, When The War Began is the first in this series, and it’s now a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE. Or a quietly released DVD.

Top 10 Film Death Quotes

So you’re a character in a film. Congratulations! And you’re about to meet your onscreen death. Ah, not so great. Still, you’ve got time to say a single line. A line that has the chance to be immortalised in cinema history. A line that will be quoted time and time again by pop culture nerds in bad accents. What do you say? Well, let’s look at some of the all-time greats for a bit of inspiration.
(SPOILERS SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS)

Immortals

Oh hi, Tarsem Singh. Ever heard of Icarus? Yeah, he was the son of Daedalus, escaped from Crete with wings made of wax, all that. Dead? Yeah, he’s dead – flew too close to the sun, arrogant little tit. Hubristic? Yeah, I suppose he was – still, at least he didn’t have the gall to make Immortals. Did he, Tarsem Singh? DID HE?

Deep Winter

The wait is over. The moment has finally come. A ski film starring Michael Madsen, Kellan Lutz AND Luke Goss. Well, actually the moment came three years ago, but whatever. The real question is, what is Luke Goss of Eighties band Bros fame doing in this film? And why do people have names like ‘Kellan Lutz’?