Well it worked for Pirates Of The Caribbean… for a while.

You never see a hard-working chair in the Hollywood credits, do you? Never doffed your cap to a really brilliant curtain, or a staggeringly talented knife? We celebrate the unsung heroes of the cinematic world: the inanimate objects that made their films iconic.

How about ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead horse flogged’?

To celebrate the brief few days between the release of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and its inevitable box office flop, we thought we’d channel the very muckiest of Captain Jack Sparrow’s rum-guzzling habits and settle you down for an evening of alcoholism on the high seas. Avast, where be that Babycham?

Blackbeard trades his tricorn for a crown.

If you thought that feathered mariachi bands, chameleons facing Hamlet-esque existential crises, and Pirates of the Caribbean were, in and of themselves, essentially ridiculous, farcical concepts, you’d be absolutely right. Now throw these entirely unrelated absurdities together to create one great, big, superlative mash-up of ridiculousness, and you get Rango.

And for some equally and befittingly bizarre reason, it works.

It turns out that pirates like guns.

How do you know what you’re going to see at the cinema next month? You’re busy people – Facebook won’t update itself, and you’ve probably got a relationship to neglect or something. Oh, you haven’t? Sorry. Well, there’s no point in trying to meet another human adult now, you may as well just read this blog.

What could Moby Dick do with less of, I hear you ask. Whales? And more dragons? Well never fear, because Ryan Little’s cruddy adaptation of the novel, starring Vinnie Jones, provides all that and more.

Probably.