Bloody LiLo. What’ll it be next? We think she’s going to try to find Jesus so she can fellate him and then claim he ruined her career.

How would you define ‘guilty pleasure’? Listening to ABBA? Stealing Pick’n’Mix? Cutting up orphans and dissolving them in an acid bath? Those are all valid examples of guilty pleasures, but now that Burlesque exists they only qualify thanks to the same sort of linguistic technicality which allows us to simultaneously describe both Ann Widdecombe and Natalie Portman as ‘people’. More addictive than crack and less than half as nutritious, Burlesque is a whole new filthy world of awesome.

Is it a documentary? Is it a spoof? Nobody’s really sure. All we know is that for some reason or other, this film records the attempts of five lacklustre professional mascots and five ‘Little People’ to win $10m. Actually, make that four Little People – one of them is actually Gary Coleman. Remember Gary Coleman? He’s dead now, and this is about as odd an epitaph as you’re likely to find.

The first photographs of Michelle Yeoh as Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi have been released.

Honorary Oscar winner Blake Edwards has died aged 88.

Rip Torn is so heroically mental. This time he’s accidentally broken into a bank.

We’re very sorry that his marriage has become just another statistic, obviously, but at least it means we get another shot!

The first teaser trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides has been released. Come have a look-see!

Adam Sandler’s hamfisted production company is to wreck another perfectly good film.

“Hello, I’m unpredictable French actor, director and general firebrand Xavier Beauvois; you may remember me from angsty 90s films overflowing with AIDS such as Don’t Forget You’re Going to Die. Oh, you don’t? No matter. Anyway, what I’d like to do now is make a film based on the true story of a momentous encounter between fundamentalist Islamists and the Trappist community of a small monastery in Algeria. I’m confident that it will be serene and nearly perfect.” He wasn’t wrong, you know.