Reese Witherspoon and two of those action type actors star in a film about action and Reese Witherspoon. A film, incidentally, which was directed by Joseph McGinty ‘look what a stupid mononym I’ve got’ Nichol. It’s mostly guns and punches and stuff, so why isn’t it too dreadful?

Except it isn’t 4D, obviously.

The English-language debut of Swedish thriller director Daniel Espinosa is a “high-octane”, “intense”, “no holds barred” (delete as appropriate) maelstrom of secrets, spies and badly edited fight scenes. The cast is fine and it’s always nice to go back to South Africa (fokken prawns!), but surely we’ve outgrown two hour gunfights interspersed with trash talk?

If* we ever build a time machine, Adam, we’re going back to 1966 to kick your mum in the stomach. *When

Hands up if you think this whole thing has been orchestrated?

No, really, there’s actual electric stuff in it. Like a LIGHTNING BOLT

Our souls feel like that frog thing that Jar Jar Binks accidentally fires at Sebulba.

Yippee ki-Jai?

The man’s a FassbendADDICT.

It’s almost impressive, the way Nic Cage can go on relentlessly lowering the standard of his output the way he does. If you thought National Treasure: Book of Secrets was as bad as it was going to get, you still had Season of the Witch to look forward to. And then Trespass. And now Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, in which FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA’S NEPHEW MANAGES TO MAKE A FLAMING SKELETON BORING.