Do you not understand the ONLY reason people want to see your stupid film, guys?

A who’s who of pensionable British talent is shipped off to the colonies for The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, a charming comedy which makes full use of its intoxicating setting and first-rate cast. Ever wished Love Actually had more curry and jokes about hip replacements?

SO MANY GUILDS

Yep, the coming week is mere moments away. Quite a lot of moments, admittedly, but look at them – all lined up ready to throw themselves into the ever-thinning gulf between you and Monday morning. Still, at least there are NEW FILMS to be watched. And what better way to decide on what to feast your face on then by watching the trailers? Yes, there are loads of better ways, but this way is mega-easy.

Another week gone, and unless you’re Whitney Houston you’ve managed to survive it! (We’ll stop the Whitney jokes next week, promise). What better way to celebrate your continued existence than to crawl back into bed and read about all the things what done happened since last time we presumed upon your weekend?

Hollywood Walk of Shame, more like.

YAY OPRAH!

She’s not playing Whitney. LETDOWN

“Elementary, my dear-” HE DIDN’T BLOODY SAY THAT WHY DO YOU PRETEND HE SAID IT?

The master of body horror turns his transformative talents to the mind in this story of sex, neurosis and academic one-upmanship. Michael Fassbender makes founding analytic psychology look as easy as falling off a log (which probably subliminally represents the penis), and – gasp! – Keira Knightley’s actually quite good. Analyse THAT, Viggo.