Oh god, not the Glowy Hands of Doom. Didn’t they see I Am Number Four?

IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN! Super 8 is out on Friday, and if we haven’t cracked the monster’s identity by now we may as well pack up and go home. Lend us your eyes (we’ll give them back)…

SPOILERS

43 years on from Charlton Heston’s first encounter with a society of talking apes, this origin story finally explains exactly why monkeys started wearing helmets. And what a story it is. Unknown director Rupert Wyatt has effortlessly gold-plated his CV with this intelligent and engaging blockbuster, which may well see Andy Serkis win the first ever Oscar awarded for a motion capture performance. A triumph.

It’s a cinema. Except you’ve got to be in a boat. This is the BEST THING EVER!

How many porn star biopics do we need?

We think.

Doesn’t mean it won’t happen though, does it? Pah.

Fresh from mainstream success with Heartbreaker, Romain Duris flexes himself further than ever before in this extraordinary portrait of, as the French title has it, a man who wants to live his life. Sharp, dynamic and unbearably emotional, this taut drama is the real deal.

What’s the betting it’ll be in 3D, do you reckon?