What exactly did you expect from an action epic based on a tea-time board game, starring John Carter, Rihanna, Liam Neeson in his sternest nose and an unexpected boat-steering pensioner whose only line is “looks like someone’s gonna BITE THE DONKEY”? Is this the greatest film ever made? Is it so dreadful I can’t see colours anymore? Why do the aliens love horses? Why is it OK to ask whether a man with prosthetic limbs might be “ONE OF THEM CYBORGS?” Is that blood running down your ears, or can tears come out of there now? Battleship has changed everything.
LIAM NEESON IS A PROPER ACTOR, aint he? We know it, we know it in our heart of hearts. And yet, if we’re honest, it’s been a long road since the jolly old days of Schindler’s List. Can we forgive an Irish scamp The Next Three Days? Wrath Of The Titans? Attack Of The Clones? And more importantly, d’ya think Helen Mirren ever got over him dumping her? Oh that’s right, we’re getting to the proper stuff, it must be CHEAT SHEET O’CLOCK.
Come on, it’s Easter Monday. Don’t tell us you want hard-hitting journalism.
I think, by now, we’re all aware that for years Hollywood has been making terrible mistake after terrible mistake. Self-confessed penis-whisperer Samantha Brick has set the world alight with her truly admirable fight against gender equality, and we feel it’s only right that we celebrate with her in style. Why bother using literally any other actresses when Samantha Brick continues to erupt loins with the power of her own face? Five films that, if all things were equal, The Brick would have smashed. Set your eyes from Vision to Erection. This is going to get moist.
Snipe London
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