Kingdom of Gladiators tells the story of a king who makes a pact with a demon, and then has a gladiator tournament, and these two things are somehow connected. Steer clear if you can, this tits-and-hits action film offers a very poor show of both the former and the latter.

Justin Bieber’s babyfaced – yet surprisingly deep-voiced – squeeze Selena Gomez takes the lead in Tom Bezucha’s new high-concept teen comedy. There’s lashings of dreamy suitors and pretty dresses galore, but the only real sparkle to be found belongs to a rather fancy Bulgari necklace.

Magic fountains activated by urine, CGI babies, toilet humour, soft porn and plenty of raucous jokes guarantee that The Change-Up will alienate most of its audience and appeal solely to the most depraved individuals amongst us.

With Jesse Eisenberg fresh from The Social Network fame and Danny McBride enjoying the dimming flash in the pan of his career, 30 Minutes or Less is an enjoyable buddy comedy-come-crime caper that is worth a look. You might not remember it 30 minutes later, but you’ll still have a good time.

Welcome to the circus kiddies – you’re about to witness a whole lot of juggling. Because Kate has a job and (wait for it) A FAMILY (gasp). It’s the overdone dilemma of balancing a hectic work schedule alongside raising kids. How does she do it?! Prepare your poor ears for that exact sentence at least seven times.

What is it with horribly titled British films lately? First Swinging With the Finkels, now this? C’mon people, just name your film after a dinosaur, there’s loads of them left. It’d be much easier to sell a dark comedy set in a Scottish brothel (apparently they’re legal up there, fancy that!) if it was called Tyrannosaurus Sex. Just sayin. Luckily though, Spanking in Paradise is infinitely better than its dreadful title, a witty, surprisingly restrained and thoroughly Scottish gem.

Well, not scientifically speaking, unless you’re a lizard. But it will once this snow-lovin’ yeti gets his axe into you. Yep, they can use tools now. Power of evolution.

When China Met Africa is a indepth documentary about China’s economic foray into Africa in 2006. Described as a “rare, grass-roots view into one of the most important economic challenges of our age” by The Times, it’s just as exciting as it sounds.

Natalie Portman’s shiny new Academy Award is going to reflect an awful lot of spotlights on her over the next few years. This should be fine, of course, but it’s not ideal when the project currently in the post-Oscar glare is a distinctly average drama which she made before Black Swan and which has only just crept onto DVD. The only impossibility in Love and Other Impossible Pursuits is enjoying it.

“Blood Out” – Mexican Mafia Motto: To blood out is a requirement to leave a gang. To join, “blood in”, you must kill someone. The only way to leave, “blood out”, is to be killed yourself.
For a film that opened with crack, tits and hip-hop Blood Out was more than a little disappointing.