We didn’t expect much from a film starring a wrestler. But we did expect a film starring a lady wrestler to not be relentlessly sexist. WELL SUE US FOR SHOWING A LITTLE OPTIMISM.

Tomer Sisley returns as reluctant global business tycoon Largo Winch. Split over two timelines, set three years apart, The Burma Conspiracy breaks from the norm as it is nether a prequel or a sequel, but one of those inter-quels you’ve heard so little about.

Rage is one of the best indie horror flicks we’ve seen in a long while. Drawing on Hitchcockian techniques, Witherspoon manages to transform an everyday occurrence into a terrifyingly realistic psychological thriller, keeping the suspense-fuelled mystery turned right up until the very end….

As I understand it, there’s a genre of young adult dystopian fiction which sees teenagers or children dealing with issues and stuff in post-apocalyptic or distressing settings of some description. The ‘Tomorrow’ series, by Australian author John Marsden, is one example. Tomorrow, When The War Began is the first in this series, and it’s now a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE. Or a quietly released DVD.

Oliver Reed is the best thing in this historical adventure from the Hammer studios, out-acting everyone else on screen by a mile. Aside from his performance, though, this film lacks the vigour and excitement of a good historical epic, and isn’t exaggerated enough to be fun as a bawdy period romp.

A prequel to John Carpenter’s 1982 remake of 1951’s The Thing from Another World, The Thing should by all reasoning have been even more offensive than the thing you last picked from the sole of your shoe. In actual fact, Matthijs van Heijningen Jr’s film is an uninspired but grotesquely effective prelude to a genre classic. Or something.

This film from Billy Clift exploring the issue of gay marriage loosely resembles The 40 Year Old Virgin. But where the latter succeeded in being funny, romantic AND true to life, I Want to Get Married is so confused, awkwardly directed and – at times – really quite hard to follow, that the story at its heart gets lost. Also, the main guy’s face. What is that about.

A bunch of people have drama that sometimes relates to other drama other people are having in this feature-length soap opera about celebrity, the media and… drama. But on the plus side, some people shoot and stab each other at the end.

This is, without doubt, the gnarliest film that has ever been put together. Follow the story of Larry Linkogle, one of the founders of freestyle motocross, as he achieves legendary status and battles his inner demons, all the the melodic mumble of Motorhead frontman Lemmy’s absolutely amazing narration.

After being lied to by a horoscope and having the stereotypical birthday from Hell, a young man sets out to prove that astrology is a bunch of bullshit. Tracking down the three people born closest to him in terms of time and location, he finds out he got more than he bargained for and learns some valuable life lessons. Hooray!