What would happen if you threw the contents of Hitch, The Inbetweeners Movie and Crazy, Stupid, Love into a blender, whizzed them around for a few minutes and then poured the mixture all over your script? Why you’d get How To Stop Being A Loser of course…

Nicolas Cage was apparently so ashamed of Trespass that he refused to watch the final product. Nicolas Cage, of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, of Season Of The Witch, of National Treasure: Book Of Secrets, of The Wicker Man was too ashamed of his film Trespass to watch it. I’ll let that sink in.

Prepare yourself for a relentless onslaught of legendary British voices, classic Aardman stylings, slick 3D and more Christmas spirit than you could shake even a really big candy cane at – it could only be Arthur Christmas. And it’s totally, overwhelmingly charming, just like you knew it would be. What are you doing on a computer? Just go and watch it, Scrooge – and would it kill you to wear a snazzy jumper?

What is it with low budget debuts and terrible bloody titles? Unfortunately, unlike the surprisingly good A Spanking In Paradise, Pinching Penny shows promise but is crippled by its own adolescence.

Andrea Arnold’s new version of Wuthering Heights is beautiful to look at and confidently directed, without quite possessing the power of the source material. But it is an admirable and innovative adaptation which deserves credit for attempting to reinvigorate a tired format.

As the financial crisis looms, one firm has to make the toughest of calls in this excellent fiscal drama. Margin Call has got the right cast, the right script and the right message to become a classic. The only villain here is the capitalist system itself; something no protagonist can overcome because “the money’s too good.”

Oh hi, Tarsem Singh. Ever heard of Icarus? Yeah, he was the son of Daedalus, escaped from Crete with wings made of wax, all that. Dead? Yeah, he’s dead – flew too close to the sun, arrogant little tit. Hubristic? Yeah, I suppose he was – still, at least he didn’t have the gall to make Immortals. Did he, Tarsem Singh? DID HE?

Do you want to be repulsed? Do you want to be disgusted? Do you want to be horrified? If so, then this film is not for you. Because what The Human Centipede 2 actually is, is REALLY, REALLY DULL.

The British Guide to Showing Off offers a behind-the-scenes look at Miss Alternative World, a pageant that began 40 years ago as a drag contest and has since morphed into an extravaganza of living art. The film follows the show’s creator Andrew Logan as he creates his 2009 show. With guest spots from Ruby Wax, Zandra Rhodes and about three hundred men in drag, be warned: this is the documentary that will make you want to run away with the circus all over again.

The Rum Diary is an occasionally funny, occasionally madcap film that essentially is neither very funny nor very madcap. Despite the promises of the trailer the film follows a narrative that is conventional and even a tad dull. All in all, it’s a bit of a rum deal. Ahem.