Johannes Roberts’ F is definitely heading the right way for an ASBO. A teacher who’s lost his bottle after a particularly nasty run in with a classroom thug finds himself on the wrong end of some corporal punishment from some hooded slashers. Desperately searching the deserted school for his daughter, Mr. Anderson (not that Mr. Anderson) embarks upon some extra curricular activities that will leave your skin crawling.

How would you define ‘guilty pleasure’? Listening to ABBA? Stealing Pick’n’Mix? Cutting up orphans and dissolving them in an acid bath? Those are all valid examples of guilty pleasures, but now that Burlesque exists they only qualify thanks to the same sort of linguistic technicality which allows us to simultaneously describe both Ann Widdecombe and Natalie Portman as ‘people’. More addictive than crack and less than half as nutritious, Burlesque is a whole new filthy world of awesome.

Kids love cars that wear hats. That’s a fact. Especially when the cars are making lots of different noises they can copy to horrifyingly accurate effect. Roary The Racing Car is all this and more; a cheerful and colourful programme for pre-school tykes, whose innocent charms are well tempered by some silly but satisfying casting.

Being shown as part of the UK Jewish film festival. Tolca Mama is a short film that gently explores one man’s grieving process during the final moments with his mothers ashes.

High school geek Marni seeks to avenge her past and lay her demons to rest in this yawn of a comedy. With Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis on board, this film does sound vaguely promising, but please, don’t get too excited….

With DreamWorks’ How to Train Your Dragon arriving on DVD and Blu-Ray this week, we revisit the modern day classic for a spot of dragon training.

What About Me? is a short film directed by Etgar Keret and Shira Geffen (Jellyfish) and features an old man and his donkey – trying to cross a “military” checkpoint in the Israeli desert. What it is though truthfully, is a little more than that.

Following Animals, Politics and Fame, Ricky Gervais takes time out from his movie career to fit in another stand-up comedy tour. Science is a chip off the old block…

Forty years after becoming a stand-up, Billy Connolly remains box office gold and the world’s best-known Glaswegian. However, his first live DVD for three years exposes a distressing departure from his usual form. We’re loath to admit it, but it’s high time Billy hung up his banjo…

Inspired by the best-selling video games series (a sentence that always puts fear into our hearts), Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time is a rollicking escapade which marries gorgeous Moroccan locations with state-of-the-art visual effects. The time-bending storyline of Mike Newell’s big budget adventure incorporates a romantic subplot, presumably to appeal to female audiences who might otherwise give this testosterone-heavy romp a wide berth.