A nicely pitched counterbalance to the often grim visions we’ve come to associate with modern Scandinavian crime stories, Headhunters is less The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and more Coen brothers farce. A blackly comic thriller, it is at times wonderfully dark, but always far from dreary.

STOP MAKING US BORED WITH THE AVENGERS, JOSS

What exactly did you expect from an action epic based on a tea-time board game, starring John Carter, Rihanna, Liam Neeson in his sternest nose and an unexpected boat-steering pensioner whose only line is “looks like someone’s gonna BITE THE DONKEY”? Is this the greatest film ever made? Is it so dreadful I can’t see colours anymore? Why do the aliens love horses? Why is it OK to ask whether a man with prosthetic limbs might be “ONE OF THEM CYBORGS?” Is that blood running down your ears, or can tears come out of there now? Battleship has changed everything.

Did you see that BRILLIANT joke in the title?

HE’S SO FULL.

LIAM NEESON IS A PROPER ACTOR, aint he? We know it, we know it in our heart of hearts. And yet, if we’re honest, it’s been a long road since the jolly old days of Schindler’s List. Can we forgive an Irish scamp The Next Three Days? Wrath Of The Titans? Attack Of The Clones? And more importantly, d’ya think Helen Mirren ever got over him dumping her? Oh that’s right, we’re getting to the proper stuff, it must be CHEAT SHEET O’CLOCK.

Soon-to-be Superman Henry Cavill hones his ‘acting like a tight t-shirted wall of brunette pointlessness’ muscles in this truly unforgivable action carcrash. Bruce Willis, Sigourney Weaver, you guys are legit – what on earth are you doing here? And by the way, Sigourney, we still haven’t talked about Abduction…

Did anyone actually see Percy Jackson?

Yes, probably. Except they’ll both be pretending to be different people. Acting, innit?

Seriously.