Cowboys. Aliens. Bond. Han. Indy, for that matter. The guy who made Iron Man. The guy who made Iron Man 2. (They’re the same guy, FYI.) COWBOYS. ALIENS. If this film were a razor, it would have twelve blades, an Unobtanium handle, a cloaking device and an attachment which provoked shuddering orgasm in every woman within two miles. For a frantic, unashamed wet dream of a film, it’s quite watchable.

Remember how The Inbetweeners was proper good because it was what actually happened to teenagers, rather than what TV told us happened to teenagers? Yeah. The Inbetweeners Movie is what films tell us happens to teenagers. But on holiday. Funny if you’re fifteen, frustrating if you’re not, it’s just a bit of a shame such a solid team threw away their USP in favour of SPF 15.

Last weekend, we ventured to the Isle of Wight to attend the world’s first ever Sail-In Cinema event. Imagine it – not only is Russell Crowe on a boat in Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, but YOU ARE TOO! Aromascope ain’t got nuffin on this. Join us as we attempt to shake a whisky and fresh air-induced hangover and track down the other nautical films best watched whilst three sheets to the wind…

Starring Bill Nighy, Rachel Weitz and crushing disappointment

SMURF SMURF SMURF SMURF

Don’t do it, Rosie, there are people who love you!

We’d put Seth Rogen’s name in the title too, but people don’t click on him as much.

The weather’s on the turn, you’re looking more haggard by the day and your most cherished family pet is still dead. What else is there to do but TWO FOR ONE CINEMA? We discuss this week’s releases, get our freebies on and feel a bit guilty about the pet thing we said earlier.

*half-hearted joke about the subsequent buzz created*

SO MANY SWORDS