Predator fans have been treated cruelly by its sequels. Predator 2 lost the quotable dialogue and tight pacing in a faintly ridiculous futuristic LA. Then there was the Alien vs. Predator films, whose tagline– whoever wins, we lose – may as well have been a review. So when producer Robert Rodriguez said that Predators would be to Predator what Aliens was to Alien, fans dared to hope that Predators may be the sequel they had been waiting for. So is it as good as Aliens? Inevitably no, and the weight of Rodriguez’s promise weighs heavy on a film that doesn’t know whether to break new ground or simply retread the original.

“Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. Such reads the sign that confronts Queen Lillian and King Harold as they approach the unfriendly terrain of Rumpelstiltskin’s land in the opening scene of Shrek Forever After. 93 minutes later and you are left wondering who the words were really directed at. Beneath the fireworks of what has been celebrated as the the final chapter of a universally adored franchise lies an apology for an exit that is more dogged than triumphant.

How do you tell a tale about the grisly rape and murder of a 14 year-old girl, whilst making sure it can be released a PG? By getting rid of that pesky rape and muder part, of course! Peter Jackson’s take on Alice Sebold’s novel is certainly beautiful to look at, but it has to be asked, is that really the point?

Back in that popular bestseller – the Bible, the character of Solomon (son of David, King of Israel) is known throughout the land for his wisdom. Sadly, the only thing noticeable about Solomon Kane, the star of Michael J Bassett‘s historical action adventure, is how unnaturally white his teeth are.

Whatever happened to SatC’s spark? The programme’s USP was originally its progressive approach to modern women with modern sex lives, but at what point did someone think that ‘Cynthia Nixon getting them out’ constituted a sociosexual statement?

Generally speaking, romantic comedies fail to deliver on at least half their remit. So when you find a film which genuinely makes your heart ache as much as your stomach, it’s worth celebrating. Heartbreaker is just such a film.

8pm. The building stood, tall and proud, like a glistening erection against the rain. I sighed, tonight was going to be long. Long and hard, like an glistening erection against the rain. Beside me, Carter whispered something about not using the word “erection” so loudly and often in a hostage siuation. I smiled. This kid had a lot to learn.

The vampire has become so well integrated into popular culture it is hard to imagine a time when a romance didn’t come with fangs, and their recent resurrection can be attributed to one film: Twilight. With one brooding scowl from R-Pattz the world was divided into two groups: swooning squealing Twi-hards and, well, sane people. Yes, as you may have guessed I am not exactly what you’d call a fan. I have never read the books and anything that makes a teenage girl scream like a banshee in my vicinity was always going to provoke feelings of intense hate from me. However, even I can admit Twilight is not without its good qualities.

Director and artist Sam Taylor-Wood has given birth to daughter Wylda Rae, her first child by fiance Aaron Johnson.

Director Joe Wright is using his mighty powers of adaptation to direct a live-action version the fishy fairytale.