True title.

The premise of Magic Mike‘s is already attractive enough, as a film unapologetically tailored to the difficult-to-please female gaze. Cue our surprise when it outed itself as a skinfest with smarts. Beautiful production, gorgeous attention to detail and an interesting picture of the clash between reality and fantasy come together to make Channing Tatum less the butt of ‘dumb jock’ jokes and more just a very fine butt.

Perhaps there is a God.

Channing Tatum puts his big boy pants on. Or any pants, for that matter.

It has been suggested that Channing Tatum is something akin to Upstairs, Downstairs brought to life; Upstairs is fine, but Downstairs is where all the fun stuff is at. With his unparalleled wuzuquan kung fu skills winning him the ‘Most Athletic’ award from Tampa Catholic High School, in addition to his Best Fight MTV Movie Award nomination (he was robbed by that useless arrow-slinging bint Jennifer Lawrence), not only is this clearly patently untrue, but frankly insulting for an actor of Tatum’s quality and talent. Allow this Cheat Sheet to show you why.

SO MUCH ARSE

Oh Roland, you just bloody love exploding America, don’t you?

Does he even know how long it took us to make that picture of him with a trident?

Thank God for that.

Hey, do you have a name? I don’t care really. You’re not famous. Neither is Frances Gumm. Or should I say JUDY GARLAND. Come on peeps, we all know they laughed at old Gummy’s face when she came to an audition. Why, Virginia McMath was probably a boffin before she became Ginger Rogers, and don’t even get me started on Archie Leach. What’s in a name? Well, I’m gonna show you.