Nazis, check. Small band of soldiers, check. Brad Pitt, check. Does it feel like we’ve been here before?

Dear Friend. In her first leading role outside the castle walls of Hogwarts (though strangely, still in the 90s), Emma Watson turns American adolescent as she welcomes you to the island of misfit toys. If you’re still reading and not too busy cringing your face inside out, you might find a lot to like in Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Joan of Ark?

Splinters?

Did anyone actually see Percy Jackson?

Paul WS Anderson has committed the greatest act of cultural rape since Stephenie Meyer thought “Whitby and dogs are all very well, but none of it’s really sparkly enough…”. The Three Musketeers is plagiarised from so many disparate sources that I can scarcely keep up with them – unfortunately, however, Alexandre Dumas’ classic romance isn’t among them. This film is unforgivable.

All for one, and one for QUIFF

Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief juxtaposes the battle of the Gods on Mount Olympus and the exploits of a teenage boy destined for greatness, based on the first of five books by Rick Riordan. Echoes of Harry Potter are uncomfortably palpable, but Percy at least offers significantly more laughs than the first outing of the earnest Brit wizard.

Paul WS Anderson has finally cast his new 3D interpretation of The Three Musketeers, mere days after Doug Liman officially signed on to direct the Warner Bros take on the same story. Still, why have two different films, when you can have two films with exactly the same plot? Erm… yeah.