Parker is out soon, and if you’ve seen the trailer/moody-ish poster you’ll know that singer Jennifer Lopez is in it, starring alongside rent-a-hardman Jason Statham. This isn’t the first film J-Lo has been in. To be honest, we’re not sure why that keeps happening. And to make things even more dire, Lopez has threatened revealed she would like to take on more acting roles due to her ‘great experience’ working with Statham on set. But Jen’s not the only one who should just slip away quietly back into the recording studio AND STAY THERE.

Staked and sizzling, Twilight is dead at last.

THINK ON YOUR SINS, Twilight fans.

It’s like all your Christmases coming at once only instead of presents and joy you feel a wretched, burning pain in your stomach.

What exactly did you expect from an action epic based on a tea-time board game, starring John Carter, Rihanna, Liam Neeson in his sternest nose and an unexpected boat-steering pensioner whose only line is “looks like someone’s gonna BITE THE DONKEY”? Is this the greatest film ever made? Is it so dreadful I can’t see colours anymore? Why do the aliens love horses? Why is it OK to ask whether a man with prosthetic limbs might be “ONE OF THEM CYBORGS?” Is that blood running down your ears, or can tears come out of there now? Battleship has changed everything.

Someone told her Chris Brown was round the corner.

EXPLODEY EXPLODEY EXPLODEY RIHANNA EXPLODEY

E8 – you sunk my faith in humanity! We’re going to keep doing this joke until Battleship is cancelled.

With the script apparently shaping up nicely, Natalie Portman has joined the race against The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo‘s Noomi Rapace for the lead role in Ridley Scott’s Alien prequel.

Liam Neeson is to star in the ridiculous big-screen adaptation of ancient board game Battleships. For Christ’s sake.