A red sun rises. Plot has been spilt this night.

GO ON, HANDLEBAR-FACE!

Have five more perfectly matched words ever before been brought together?

Hobbit news that isn’t TERRIBLE news? What brave new world is this?

O HAI, eyegasm.

Holy pineapple chunks, Batman – it’s a brand new feature! Today and on every weekend until the Earth is consumed by fire and ice, we will be bringing you the pick of the week’s film gossip in a format so accessible, democratic and toothsome you might well mistake it for Peaches Geldof’s ladygarden. It’s time to round up the news…

With any luck it’ll speed things up, at least…

Guillermo Del Toro is set to become the scurge of cinema cleaners everywhere, as they try their hardest to remove the brown stains from many a seat.

First picture of the cast of continually problematic The Hobbit

Martin Freeman has not yet killed a man! (Details inside)