There’s going to be a Fifty Shades Of Grey film. We all KNOW this. We can’t, despite everything we’ve tried, stop it from happening. So, if it must happen, let’s talk casting – anyone else fancy Charlie Sheen for the role of Christian Grey? Here are our top 10 casting choices for the BDSM bonkbuster…

Unless it’s going to star Charlie Sheen, we couldn’t be more bored.

Now that Maleficent has been given a backstory to help us UNDERSTAND why she’s so evil, we reckon the rest of the Disney villains need to share their psycho-damaging woes with the world. You’ll never look at Scar the same way again…

Colours are just wonderful. Think about how many wonderful colours there are in this world, like magenta and brown. Also wonderful: films! Woody Allen’s latest film Blue Jasmine is out today, which has us very excited because it is a film with a colour in the title. If you don’t see where this is going you don’t know us very well at all.

It’s the very last week of Back in Vue, Vue’s retrospective season – and the film that you apparently voted for as a fitting swansong is showing for the last time tonight. Blazing a trail for lesser mortals to follow, Duncan has already headed all the way back to 1986 to revisit a world of gleaming Ferraris, multicoloured leather jackets and pancreas to find out exactly what happened on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Julia, have a word.

Scary Movie 5 is an insult to parody films that are actually funny. Ashley Tisdale might just be the only positive thing to come out of this, and she wasn’t even THAT good. Lazy characterisation, flimsy plot, poor jokes, an uninspired Usher cameo: the list of absolute FAILS is endless. With any luck, we’ve seen the last of the Scary Movie franchise.

The zombie genre truly is an undead horror. They’ve even infected comedy!

Go Wolverines! And so on.

That sentiment will make sense shortly.