The streets of Washington D.C. will run red with tiger blood…

Master of self-conscious satire Todd Solondz is back to make that same film he always makes, except this time round there’s more hepatitis and even less to enjoy. Dark Horse has the usual complement of awkward jokes and improbable characters, but is the celebrated director of Happiness just going through the motions?

We’re too bored to say anything funny.

Rise of the Planet of the Lizards?

No, that isn’t a typo. Sigh.

In 1986, one of the reactors at the Soviet nuclear power station near Chernobyl failed, resulting in the worst nuclear disaster of all time. In 2012, a director so phenomenally irrelevant he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page made a film which not only trivialised the Chernobyl catastrophe but also had the gall to be trite, poorly made and awe-inspiringly boring. By the end of Chernobyl Diaries you will be begging for the sweet, scabby embrace of a radioactive mutant Ukrainian. And it’s not often we say that.

ROBOT ELMO BOXING

Sigourney Weaver is back on our screens this week with Red Lights, her third dismal thriller in under a year. But there’s more than guns and Cillian Murphy to the Queen of Sci-Fi, the woman credited with finally bringing gender balance to the Force from Ghostbusters to Avatar. Oh, and did you know she’s part of a club that includes Jamie Foxx, Emma Thompson and Al Pacino? It’s Cheat Sheet o’clock!

Please be fake. Please be fake. Please be fake.

“Above all I am a man… a hopelessly inquisitive man.”