He’s really good at tracing, actually, if you give him a bit of help on how to hold the pencil.

80% of the time…

Another thick, beige parade of weekdays stands before you, threatening you with the kind of crippling boredom only bestest by anything written by Nicholas Sparks or facts about golf. THANK GOODNESS THEN that Best For Film is committed to making sure you don’t have a truly awful life. Thank God It’s Monday proudly presents your guide to this weekend’s UK Green Film Festival!

The film of that TV series you’ve never heard of, Dark Shadows does justice to neither its cult classic source material nor the combined talents of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. Fifty times longer than its trailer and half as enjoyable, Dark Shadows is one of the most tiresome, derivative and uninspiring movies you’re likely to see this year.

Piranha 3D was the surprise hit of 2010, blending knowing references to its glorious B-movie heritage with a truly unfeasible supply of boobs, blood, boobs, fish, boobs, Christopher Lloyd and boobs. Can its long-awaited sequel work the same schlocky magic? …No, no it can’t. Piranha 3DD is exactly as bad as we expected its predecessor to be.

GUNS and CHICKS and NAKED and ETC and

Businessmen, they drink my wine… YES WE KNOW IT’S A DYLAN SONG WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US

‘Most people we’d like to boff (and Scarlett Johansson) in one scene’?

Little to no third breast action as yet.

“It was bad, Mama…”