OH LOOK, it’s another European action film that’s been needlessly rehashed into a big-budget American dross rocket. Hurrah! Mark Wahlberg plays Smuggler Who No Longer Smuggles; guess what he’s going to do? That’s right! He’s going to punch and grumble his way through two hours of your life, which you will NEVER get back.
How dare Cineworld be making profits while the rest of us suffer in these times of austerity?
Have you seen the weather? It’s ghastly – never mind that you were having a picnic last weekend, Jack Frost is back and he’s all too ready to introduce an icicle to your most jealously guarded passages. Why not sit in a nice cosy cinema with someone huggable instead of wandering around outside? OWLTIME:
So, in the wake of the apocalypse, we can only hope that we’re lucky enough to die before everything turns from catastrophic to worse. Xavier Gens’ claustrophobic gore-thriller The Divide could do with shedding some dodgy dialogue in favour of some character plumping, but there’s no denying the impact of its glowering set pieces.
Jennifer Aniston gets her tits out again in this potentially-funny-but-not-quite comedy. Oh, and you don’t actually get to see her tits, so there really isn’t altogether that much to see here.
His name’s Wally Pfister. We so, so hope that’s a silent P.
Paedo-lolz? Really, Adam? Really?
Snipe London
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