The master of body horror turns his transformative talents to the mind in this story of sex, neurosis and academic one-upmanship. Michael Fassbender makes founding analytic psychology look as easy as falling off a log (which probably subliminally represents the penis), and – gasp! – Keira Knightley’s actually quite good. Analyse THAT, Viggo.

Leonard Retel Helmrich completes his Indonesian trilogy with a beautifully observed documentary about life in Jakarta. Using the “Single Shot Cinema” technique for which he is best known, Helmrich takes the viewer to the heart of a country with an unpredictable future though certain passages smack of dramatisation.

Woody Harrelson delivers a career-topping performance as old-school ‘bad cop’ David Brown. Rampart may lack the depth of the most iconic corrupt cop films, but is an intense, stylish insight into a man fighting to remain relevant in a changing world.

Valentine’s Day has arrived. Yuck. However, if we’re very lucky, the Mayans could have correctly predicted 2012 to be the end of the world and, therefore, this will be the last V Day we’re ever subjected to. No more simpering teddies clutching hearts, no more tacky cards, no more bad-tasting chocolate hearts and no more wilting flowers. Hurray! To celebrate the (potentially) last Valentine’s Day ever, we’ve decided to count down our favourite silver screen lovers…

We’ve gone far too long without anyone playing the music, and don’t even get us started on what’s happened to the lights. Thank goodness then that The Muppets are finally where they belong – back on the big screen and firmly in our hearts. The story might not be the most ambitious one around and the great Frank Oz’s absence can’t help but be felt, but when you’ve got Fozzie Bear in fart-shoes, Dave Grohl on the drums and our ol’ pal Kermit at the centre of it all, it’s difficult to imagine more wholesome family fare.

Hollywood’s self appointed Minister for Foreign Affairs and Telling the World What’s What backs Argentina in the Falklands dispute.

Does that mean she has to wear an underwired nightgown when Dracula comes through the window? That always happens in Transylvania. They give you underwired nightgowns instead of rubbish dressing gowns in the hotels.

Michael Keaton (very popular in the late 80s I hear) interested in returning to role that propelled him to fame.

Best Valentine’s Day present ever?

It’s Monday, it’s wet and virtually nobody apart from Michel Hazanavicius and Jean Dujardin have anything to be cheery about. Right? WRONG. This week you should be heading straight to London NW6, where sunshine and rainbows surround the Tricycle Theatre and its superb International Film Season. Thank God It’s Monday!