FINALLY! It may be only day 7 of our Christmas countdown, but we’re diving into the sherry because it’s the last of the bloody bird-related ones. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be funny about twenty-three sort-of birds over the course of a week? No wonder we’ve ended up writing about such tenuous nonsense. Still, take heart – Christmas is just a few days away and there will be maids for you tomorrow. Until then, Christmas swans ’til death!

In related news, Rupert Sanders is still sleeping in the dog house

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know something about vampires I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know please please make it stop why why why why why why I don’t know I don’t know CGI devil baby no no no no no no no werewolves why why why oh god make it stop.

We have wondered for quite some time now if the world is just completely drunk. It makes no sense otherwise that a completely crappy book pushing Mormonism down people’s throats..

#lightatendoftunnel, #passtherazors, #hotkristen

More Young Adults running around dystopian futures. Just what the world needed.

Based on Jack Kerouac’s semi-autobiographical masterpiece, On The Road is awash with promiscuous sex, rambling prose and cool jazz. Fans of the book may appreciate the loosely structured narrative, but will soon tire of the repetitive plot developments which become so monotonous as to lack reason and purpose.

Blah blah blah Twilight blah blah blah Vampires blah.

This week saw the release of emotional drama Now Is Good, a film adaptation of the popular novel Before I Die, starring Dakota Fanning as a terminal cancer sufferer hellbent on enjoying the life she has left. In honour of the release, we delve beneath the alabaster skin and bright blue eyes to bring you everything you ever wanted to know about the child star turned poised young woman.

It’s like all your Christmases coming at once only instead of presents and joy you feel a wretched, burning pain in your stomach.