While our Edward gently weeps.

So you’re drunk. You had one too many at Pizza Express or wherever, and now you’re in the cinema, and you are drunk. And you have FEELINGS. About this film. That you are watching. You may or may not swear at the screen, but whatever you say (you don’t remember in the morning) it is loud. You are swiftly removed from the cinema, and never permitted to return. Dark times. Enter Movie Interruption Screenings.

We’re too bored to say anything funny.

Rupert Sanders gives us an exceedingly grim Grimm universe in this LOTR-inspired fairytale; his sweeping landscapes and sumptuous visuals almost making up for the fact that his source material never comes close to the richness of Tolkien. The tale may be problematic and the characters laughably thin, but there’s no denying that this directorial debut almost wins you over with blazing ambition alone.

Hey, you know that saying about the eyes being the window to your soul? What if the window opened up into a nightmare, wrapped in a murder, nestled in an insane asylum? Don’t understand? You will, my friend, oh you will.

Love rat Pattinson features. Also actual rats.

SEXY RAVENS

Every group needs a hate figure. In music, it’s the squeaky voiced sick-midget Justin Bieber, in Christianity it’s that scheming git Judas, and in film that hate figure has gradually become mop-haired vampire-face Robert Pattinson. But guys, c’mon! Don’t hate the player, hate the game! The game in this case being “make loadsa cash out of thick people-ball”. Pattinson’s not to blame, he’s just trying his best.

Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…

Kristen Stewart looks pale. Charlize Theron looks evil. You get the idea…