It’s that time of year again – for the next six excruciating weeks, film pundits will have nothing better to do than bitch about how their favourite film of the year didn’t get the Oscar nominations it deserves, while whoever moderates IMDb heads towards a nervous breakdown. There’s an easy way to solve this, and he’s called Nicolas.

Who will he be playing, Barry Hanukkah?

The first of our genially unhinged film clubs was a massive success, so we’re going to boast about it in the hope that you’ll come to the next one. Seem fair? We think so, and we know we must be right because WE DID AN AMAZING PARTY. So there.

Pedro Almodóvar’s new film Los Amantes Pasajeros, or I’m So Excited to us English-speaking jerks, is officially out in cinemas everyone! It’s obviously going to be totally weird because it’s by Pedro Almodóvar. Did you guys see that movie, The Skin I Live In? WHAT WAS THAT? Anyway, this film is more or less The Skin I Live In On a Plane. More importantly, though, the film shares its English title with a very famous song by The Pointer Sisters, which got us thinking: what other films out there have famous songs for titles? Turns out, loads. Because nothing in this wretched world is original.

Glasses. They’re weird, aren’t they? Bits of plastic or glass slapped over your stupid face that either serve a purpose by bending light in the exact way that your warped and pathetic eyeballs fail to do, or they serve no purpose other than to obscure your epidermis. Why would anyone bother compiling a list of glasses? Because we’re Best For Film AND THAT’S HOW WE ROLL.

Rocket Raccoon and Groot ready to steal the show, says Kevin Feige

Jane Got No Friends

Bizarre visuals, outdated humour and a needlessly abstract moral prevent this prehistoric offering from DreamWorks Animation from living up to its potential. The animation flows smoothly enough and the 3D doesn’t offend, but when it’s difficult to recognise the message, let alone the wildlife, it’s fair to say that something has missed the mark.

Oh, Nicolas! YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN. It’s actually quite impressive. Good on you, sir. Your contribution to cinema has gone from bad to worse. After Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which made its predecessor, Ghost Rider, look like flippin’ Shaft, we honestly didn’t think you could get any badder. But this isn’t even “ha ha” bad, Nic. I hope you can pay off your debt from all those saber tooth tiger skulls and pyramids of death you have purchased soon so you can stop making soulless, predictable, boring nonsense that fail at the box office anyway. Just some friendly words of advice.