Oh my flipping flopping flange, the OWLs are a year old! This is momentous. We’d love to throw our weekly citrus opinion-fest a more fitting party, but unfortunately 2012 has so far been the year of totally crap films. Still, things are bound to pick up – and until they do, you need our help more than ever…

Well, there’s only so much staring with unrestrained delight at new socks you can do, isn’t there? Christmas is over, new year’s eve brought with it the unsavoury pox that was New Year’s Eve and frankly, it’s time to stop talking to your loved ones and start staring at a screen in the dark. ORANGE WEDNESDAY, hurrah!

In a week full of explodingly good trailers, it seems a bit like there’s not much point in these actual full length film things in cinemas, is there? Especially when there’s the ever-present possibility that you might end up mere inches away from someone who’s paying, actually paying to see Alvin And The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. WELL YOU’RE WRONG ON THAT SCORE! Why? Because this feature is weekly, that’s why. Line up your two-for-one, and let’s talk…

Take heart, noble citizens! YES, this might be the week where darkness descends, where hope is drained and where Garry Marshall farts on our very souls, but we must not let this defeat us! We can overcome this monster, using the twin ancient arts of 2 for 1 cinema and Not Watching New Year’s Eve.

Christmas exultation-ing taking its financial toll? Worrying about how many loved ones will be super-stoked about getting A Hug Voucher again this year? Screw them. It’s Wednesday. And on Wednesday, we celebrate the birth of another sacred vessel – that of Two For One Cinema. Praise Be!

Did you read that thing in the news today? Dreadful, wasn’t it? And that other thing, that thing that happened in the place? Miserable. And that guy, that awful guy, well… what a world. Still, there’s always TWO FOR ONE CINEMA, isn’t there? Drowning out all earthly worries with stoic passivity will almost definitely make everything OK. What are we watching this week? READ ON.

This week sees a new Twilight film, a(nother) new Nic Cage film and a Bollywood film about someone called Hitler – let’s be honest, you’re going to need some help to navigate the minefield of potential Orange Wednesday choices. If only there was some sort of stalwart blogging team waiting to inform your decision! Hey, wait…

As the saying goes, time flies when you’re waiting for Arthur Christmas to come out. HURRAH FOR AN ACTUAL REAL-LIFE CHRISTMAS FILM! Now that the noble despair of Kevin as dissipated, it’s time to joyfully don a lumpy jumper, set your crackers from stun to kill and try and forget that quite a few people are going to watch Immortals instead…

History will probably remember this week as ‘that week just after We Need To Talk About Kevin came out’. Or else, ‘that week just Before Arthur Christmas came out’. Well, we’re stuck here. And frankly, they are both better names than ‘that week where we had to watch some people poo into the mouths of some other people.’ HURRAH FOR WEDNESDAY!

We’ve just had the hottest October on record. You know what that means, right? It means prissy little Miss November is jonesing for attention. In preparation for what will invariably be monsoon/earthquake/volcano-shorts season, the best thing to do is secure yourself a seat in the nearest filmy-box and gaze this dreadful month away…