It’s like all your Christmases coming at once only instead of presents and joy you feel a wretched, burning pain in your stomach.

Genuine quote. We guess the alumni are more Cosmopolis than Twilight people…

Pattinson set to star as T. E Lawrence in Queen of the Desert

K-Stew’s next career move sounds even dumber than cheating on your boyfriend and then telling everyone you definitely did it.

Fact. Also, the poster’s out for her new movie

We would have watched the shit out of Twilight if this was the plot.

So you’re drunk. You had one too many at Pizza Express or wherever, and now you’re in the cinema, and you are drunk. And you have FEELINGS. About this film. That you are watching. You may or may not swear at the screen, but whatever you say (you don’t remember in the morning) it is loud. You are swiftly removed from the cinema, and never permitted to return. Dark times. Enter Movie Interruption Screenings.

PLEASE cop off with Philip Seymour Hoffman onset. Do it for us.

Despite the big names on screen and behind the camera, Cosmopolis is the most niche film of 2012; emotionally frigid, wilfully obtuse and very, very talky. But it’s a delicacy, not a feast, and catching it in the right mood could leave you with one of the year’s more rewarding cinema experiences.

We’re too bored to say anything funny.