How dare Cineworld be making profits while the rest of us suffer in these times of austerity?

Madonna’s ‘directorial debut’ (which is actually nothing of the sort, it’s just that her last film was so shit she’s pretending it doesn’t exist) is such a flagrant exercise in cinematic wish-fulfilment that it’s almost not worth pointing out. Contemporary American material girl in an unhappy marriage looks to the most glamorous woman in the world and her controversial transformation into the star of the English gentry? W.E. is unforgivable.

This month sees the release of Thatcher-fest The Iron Lady, much to the chagrin of David Cameron, and rather than being what we all want it to be – a cross between Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man and Ted Hughes’ not-quite-as-good-as-Iron-Giant-but-still-pretty-good The Iron Woman – it is, in fact, another boring, by the numbers, Oscar hounding biopic, no different to any that have come before. Sigh, does the biopic genre show that the film industry is running out of ideas?

The Dark Lord rises.

The music of a people who will not get horrible eye-straining disorders again!

Not so melancholy now, eh Lars? Eh? Oh, apparently he still is.

And politics. And sport. And the COUNTRYSIDE!?!

Fancy yourself as a lover of all things cinema? Hungry for the most amazing films events around the country? Look no further; we’ve compiled a list of some of the most magical UK movie events in a big fat buffet of cinematic goodness for you to sink your teeth into…

VINDICATION AHOY!

WOLVERINE WON’T BE A SLAVE AGAIN!