Madonna’s ‘directorial debut’ (which is actually nothing of the sort, it’s just that her last film was so shit she’s pretending it doesn’t exist) is such a flagrant exercise in cinematic wish-fulfilment that it’s almost not worth pointing out. Contemporary American material girl in an unhappy marriage looks to the most glamorous woman in the world and her controversial transformation into the star of the English gentry? W.E. is unforgivable.

Underworld is back, and having tempted Kate Beckinsale back into the franchise’s trademark catsuit it isn’t long before she is jumping off of really tall buildings only to land silently as though nothing has changed. While this might still constitute somewhat of a return to form for the series, however, we are still left wondering how exactly it earned one sequel, let alone three.

China’s attitude to freedom of information is almost whimsically brutal. They banned Wikipedia way before Wikipedia made it cool to ban Wikipedia. So it’s hardly surprising that they’re trying to bury this comedy about their massive sex toy industry. Luckily for us, it’s being screened throughout England. But are we so lucky?

What do you get when you blend drama, comedy, George Clooney and the most beautiful place onto the planet into two hours of cinema so moving and funny that you’re liable to choke on the tears you’re still crying even as you laugh? A very slightly overdone but still inevitably Oscar-winning comedy drama, of course! The Descendants is lovely.

Get ahead of the curve and jump on the Lena Dunham bandwagon before HBO spoils it for all the cool kids. It contains hints on how to be a YouTube sensation! And a frozen hamster. The two aren’t connected, sadly, but don’t let that stop you from enjoying this refreshingly self-aware mumblecore flick.

Rage is one of the best indie horror flicks we’ve seen in a long while. Drawing on Hitchcockian techniques, Witherspoon manages to transform an everyday occurrence into a terrifyingly realistic psychological thriller, keeping the suspense-fuelled mystery turned right up until the very end….

First adapted from Michael Morpurgo’s book into a play by Nick Stafford, the story of War Horse has now been set loose on cinema audiences in Steven Spielberg’s latest epic. Having divided critics upon its release, we decide to make like a horse and canter towards a sunny meadow of consensus. And clover.

Just when you thought being married to Uma Thurman was stress enough for poor Ethan Hawke, he moves to Paris and gets involved with a vampy older woman who may or may not be real. That’ll teach him to have a silly name, eh? The Woman in the Fifth is a fascinating tale which will lead you into a completely new world and do its level best to leave you there.

Written and directed by Kenneth Lonergan, Margaret has been in production for nearly five years, delayed due to multiple set-backs arising from Lonergan’s stubborn pursuit of the elusive perfect cut (and further exasperated by multiple ongoing law suits), concluding in a limited release orchestrated by Fox Searchlight Pictures. With only a handful of showings across the country, Margaret may be the best film you never see this year.

Who knew that sci-fi films were allowed to be set outside New York City? Every timeworn trope of the ‘alien invasion’ genre beloved of Cold War screenwriters has hurdled the Iron Curtain and descended on Moscow for The Darkest Hour, a virtually irredeemable mess of contrived clichés, crap CGI and Cyrillic cignage. And some things that don’t begin with C (as well as some others that do which we can’t mention here – looking at you, Bekmambetov).