Can you hear the people sing, singing a song of miserable men? We’re not too miserable this week, but we are juicy – juicy with orange juice! And lemon juice! And this doesn’t really make sense, does it? No matter, there’s a load of new films out and you can see them for half price if you have a friend! Oh, do you not? Sorry.

A national treasure, a gay icon, a Shakespearean behemoth, a level 4 magnetic mutant and Mithrandir himself, Sir Ian McKellen is one of the greatest actors of all time. At the age of 73, our 5 foot 11 inches undertaker continues to astound, most recently in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Did you know that Sir Ian attended Cambridge University where he studied English, and that he only got a 2:2? NO!? Then you’d better read our Ian McKellen Cheat Sheet!

It’s Day Two of our Christmas countdown, and after the improbable success of yesterday’s paean to Ross Partridge we’re combing the length and breadth of Hollywood to find our top two turtle doves. That probably sounds quite easy, particularly if you have a proper job, but actually we don’t know what the fuck a turtle dove is. Is it a bird? Is it a reptile? Is it some sort of brilliant cross-over, living in a sewer? Actually, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Doves would be completely brilliant – if you want us we’ll be working on a pitch.

So this week saw the news the whole nation has been waiting for, breath bated, hands wrung, and nails bitten. Yes, you’ve guessed it, it’s the hotly anticipated follow-up to our Top 10 Naked Royals in Film blog!! Unfortunately, the Duchess of Cambridge seems to have somewhat stolen our thunder by thoughtlessly going and getting herself pregnant in the same week, the shiny-haired ovarian witch.

Arnold has breached our cynical armour and we can’t help ourselves. Want.

What’s your favourite Len Wiseman movie? Before you do yourself an injury trying to weigh the cons and cons of Underworld and Die Hard 4, let me put you out of your misery: as of August 29th, 2012, the answer will be Total Recall. Heck, it might even be your film of the summer. And believe me, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

Arnie’s Back…and he’s so, so old

Grey, but still badass

Cats the world over breathe a sigh of relief as Curiosity lands on Mars. What will the NASA rover tell us? What will it find? Dust? Martians? The tattered remains of John Carpenter’s dignity? We humans had a real thing for the fourth rock from the Sun in the late 90s, ushering in a host of dreadful films about Mars whose Wikipedia blurbs end with ‘a critical and commercial failure’.

Money. So much money. All the money.