The films we hated are now ‘officially’ bad

It’s got an elephant doing a handstand in it. And that’s all you need to know.

I’m not sure whether it is offensive or complimentary to be so good at portraying a stripper that you are offered a job in the lapdancing club you are filming in. I guess we should be thankful that Kristen Stewart wasn’t approached by Team Vampire after seeing her in Twilight to make her into a real life vampire girlfriend.

To go or not to go, ‘it all begins…with a choice’. If you are able to stomach the sickly musings of young love, then I promise you will be rewarded by the visuals of this captivating story.

The vampire has become so well integrated into popular culture it is hard to imagine a time when a romance didn’t come with fangs, and their recent resurrection can be attributed to one film: Twilight. With one brooding scowl from R-Pattz the world was divided into two groups: swooning squealing Twi-hards and, well, sane people. Yes, as you may have guessed I am not exactly what you’d call a fan. I have never read the books and anything that makes a teenage girl scream like a banshee in my vicinity was always going to provoke feelings of intense hate from me. However, even I can admit Twilight is not without its good qualities.

Sad boy meets sad girl. Said sad boy and sad girl inevitably fall in love. Whilst it would be easy to summarise Remember Me as such, it would be crude..

Stephenie Meyer, author of the multi-million selling Twilight series, has undoubtedly induced a chorus of global teenage whooping with the announcement that she is to release another book – for free. However, the book is not a sequel to any of the preceding books in the series; it is a mere novella spin off.

You know what we enjoy doing? Going to the future. We also enjoy going back to the future, but we gotten into copyright problems with that before. The point is, we’ve risked life and limb to discover what films are hitting our screens in upcoming weeks. Don’t ask us how we’ve done it. All we’ll say is that the Wikipedia Towers of the future are a terrifying and overly bear-guarded place. So, should you save our pennies for an upcoming epic, or splurge like there’s no tomorrow on the flicks out now? We’ve got the answers right here.

Screaming hordes of hormones, look no further! The new trailer for the third twilight film has just been released, and it’s all looking just as dark and penetrating as the first two. Whew. So this time around, Bella has to make a heart-breaking choice, will she choose to live an undead life with Edward or a furry future with Jacob?

Warning – don’t go and see this film expecting another Twilight. The vamps in Daybreakers belong firmly to the old school of demonesque bad guys who have overrun the earth and must be hunted down with machine guns, exploding crossbows and other such gore-porn paraphernalia. The action is set 10 years in the future, where the human population has been infected with vampirism and blood has become as big a business as Coca-Cola. It’s up to Ethan Hawke’s erstwhile hematologist to save the population from themselves, but mostly he just ends up shooting a lot of stuff.