Tom Cruise is washing his hair or something

.. and Mama and Identity Thief and Van Helsing and Bourne and probably your mum.

In related news, Rupert Sanders is still sleeping in the dog house

We dread to think what Rapunzel and Cinderella might be up to.

Tom Cruise on track to star in all sci-fi movies ever, even the ones that have already been made

Anything to keep the evil lord Xenu at bay!

Alternate history epic? Creature feature? Gothic horror? Maverick director Timur Bekmambetov’s latest film struggles with as much of an identity crisis as its politician/lawyer/Slayer hero, flitting from dry-as-dust declamation to 3D combat in the blink of a glowing red eye. Mind you, with a title like that…

Wait… there’s a Van Helsing reboot?

That’s photos of the 3D film, not 3D photos. Unfortunately.

If you love horror films and you have at least twenty-four hours to live, then there is absolutely nothing you should be doing more than reading (and subsequently adhering to) this itinerary. How else are you going to know what to watch at six thirty in the morning when you’ve just watched a zombie baby rip someone’s head open?