I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know something about vampires I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know please please make it stop why why why why why why I don’t know I don’t know CGI devil baby no no no no no no no werewolves why why why oh god make it stop.

It’s like all your Christmases coming at once only instead of presents and joy you feel a wretched, burning pain in your stomach.

Joe Wright injects new life into the period drama format with this lavish adaptation of Tolstoy’s cherished novel. Anna Karenina is a lush, tantalising spectacle which features compelling performances from its leads, Keira Knightley and Aaron Taylor-Johnson, but doesn’t quite hit the mark when it comes to plumbing the emotional depths of its tragic story.

Just when we thought the Expendables series couldn’t get any better, word has reached us that producer Adi Shankar has plans to make an all-female version of action ensemble. Director of the sequel, Simon West has stated that he is fully on board with the idea (WHO WOULDN’T BE?) and would like to see a line-up involving the likes of Angelina Jolie, Cameron Diaz, Milla Jovovich, Helen Mirren and Jamie Lee Curtis. We can see the appeal of those casting choices but here at BFF (which otherwise stands for Best For Females) we’ve dreamed up a list with a little more bite. So here it is chaps and chapettes: the top ten ovarylicious casting choices for an all-female Expendables. WARNING: Due to her recent involvement in the unforgivable Red Lights, Sigourney Weaver has been banned from this list.

True title.

This Wednesday heralded the release of the long awaited Three Stooges movie. In honour of this disgustingly momentous occasion we invite you to join us all in a round of slapstick-themed drinks. So grab the nearest bottle of vodka, assemble your Farrelly Brothers and your Charlie Chaplins and hit someone in the head with a plank of wood. It’s time to get seriously brain damaged.

Gird your loins, everyone: it’s arrived. The film which inspired the following words from Roger Ebert: “Describing the movie is bringing down the level of my prose.” A “billion dollar movie” featuring the likes of Jeff Goldblum, Will Ferrell, Robert Loggia, Zach Galifianakis and John C Reilly. A film so strange and offensive it led to a number of furious walkouts from audience members during a screening at the Sundance festival. Yes, Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie is upon us, and goddamnit is it a beautiful, terrifying spectacle.

She’s the Bane of his life.

It’s definitely SOMETHING about camels.

OH GOD there’s a Jennifer Garner in my butter.