Psst – it isn’t 2012 any more, this is all basically irrelevant. Get with the program and head over to our Top 10 Horror Films of 2013!

 

#10 – Warm Bodies

If we’ve learnt one thing, it’s not to trust someone just because they’re on a roll. Despite this, we’re still excited about this one from director Jonathan Levine, director of imminent Joseph Gordon-Levitt cancer comedy 50/50 and 2008 hip-hop worshipping gem The Wackness. There’s also the plot: a zombie becomes involved with the girlfriend of one of his victims. Could this be the second rom-zom-com?

 

#9 – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

We were sorely tempted to write this one off after it turned out that Trent Reznor wasn’t involved any more, but now we must be grown up and face facts. It’s directed by Timur Bekmambatov – so it will, at the very least, be gleefully OTT – it’s got a great cast, and it’s based on a cool book. If it’s a failure, then it’ll be a glorious failure.

 

#8 – The Evil Dead

As much as we hate to get behind a remake, these days it’s almost impossible to talk about horror without having to mention at least one of them. There’s some unforgivable sacred-cow-pillaging on the way (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Near Dark and, jaw-droppingly, Bride of Frankenstein), but this actually has some potential. Sam Raimi and Bruce are producing, Diablo Cody revised the script and, technically, it’s been remade before as the first fifteen minutes of Evil Dead 2.

 

#7 – Lords of Salem

You’re either down with Rob Zombie as a director, or you aren’t. We’re gonna thrown in our chips with the White Zombie here; this sounds like the balls out rocksploitation splatter flick that we’ve always wanted him to make.

 

#6 John Dies at the End

An early frontrunner for Best Title of 2012, this comedy horror marks the return to directing for Don Coscarelli, who gave us the beautifully odd Bubba Ho Tep. Boasting Paul Giamatti, Doug Jones and Clancy Brown in its cast, and with a plot that somehow out-weirds ‘Retired Elvis and Black JFK fight a Mummy’, this looks to be a winner.

 

#5 – Paris, I’ll Kill You

Yes, this is a horror version (either homage, or send up) of Paris, I Love You. So, instead of a collection of short films about Paris being lovely and romantic, directed by some top notch directors, this will be a collection of short films about Paris being stabby, and deathmantic, directed by the likes of Joe Dante, Xavier Gens (Frontieres), Christopher Smith (Triangle) and Ryuhei Kitamura (the underrated Midnight Meat Train). Count us in.

 

#4 – Prometheus

Despite his reputation as one of the greatest directors of all time, Ridley Scott hasn’t made a truly great film since, arguably, Blade Runner. However, he also hasn’t made any sci-fi since then, and it’s his sci-fi (Blade Runner and Alien, of which this is the prequel) has more or less earned him that Great Director tag all on its own. We’re trusting you on this one, Rid. Don’t let us down.

 

#3 – The Cabin in the Woods

JOSS WHEDON JOSS WHEDON IS DOING A THING EVERYONE GET EXCITED ABOUT THE THING THE JOSS WHEDON THING. Also, Richard Jenkins and Chris Hemsworth are in it, and they might BOTH take their shirts off. We live in hope.

 

#2 – The Woman in Black

Now that Danny is free from the clutches of Kloves (No, Steve, what are you putting into those oranges? OH GOD, now Christmas is going to smell DELIGHTFUL), it’ll be nice to see how he deals with well written words: Jane (Kick Ass, Stardust, Jonathan Ross’ pants) Goldman’s words to be precise. But never mind that; this will be great simply because the play upon which it is based is the ultimate ‘Yeah I know it’s not a clever-clever play but it’s still utter genius’ play. You really can’t go wrong from there.

 

#1 – World War Z

Never mind that they shut down half of Glasgow to film it; this has the potential to win awards. The script, which has been floating around since 2007, has been compared to both Children of Men and All The President’s Men (and possibly Mad Men, and Men Behaving Badly, and the Mr Men). When an early draft leaked, Ain’t It Cool called it “a genre-defining piece of work that could well see us all arguing about whether or not a zombie movie qualifies as ‘Best Picture’ material”. Excited yet?

 

And 5 more that you’ll want to avoid..

Clown

Basically The Santa Clause but with a clown suit, and the murder happens at the end instead of the beginning. Quite why Eli Roth, who makes films that split opinion but that have undeniably fantastic concepts, is directing -not producing, or presenting, ACTUALLY DIRECTING – this sub-Goosebumps dross is beyond us.

 

Dead Space

For the uninitiated: you know every crap sci-fi monster movie set on a spaceship? Dead Space is the game of that, composed almost entirely of jumpy bits which aren’t really that scary. Brilliantly, sometimes you can see the Scary Aliens actually waiting for their turn to come and get you. Going by the current rule of thumb, the film will be about one fifth as scary as that.

 

Growl

Most timid title ever? Coming in 2013, Woof! And its sister feature, Miaow. Other reasons to not watch this? It’s the feature debut of a man who calls himself Sxv’leithan Essex (I know..), and is about an underground fighting ring, to which werewolves happen. Already bored.

 

Haunted Poland

This has started to gather buzz as, essentially, Paranormal Activity: Poland. From what I gather, David Caruso will appear periodically to take off his sunglasses and neck a bottle of Goldwasser. The frighteningly non-frightening trailer has only made us less excited; enough with this sort of thing now, please.

 

The App Killer

A man somehow uses phone apps to attract his victims. You really think they’d be more strictly monitored than that.

What are you looking forward to? What are you dreading? Tell us below, or we’ll KILL YOU WITH A PHONE!