Gospel music gets the Glee treatment in this confused and blundering Jesus-heavy musical, which sees Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton go head-to-head in a bid to see who can be called a “strong woman” the most times in an hour and fifty-five minutes. The music and the quips are great, but they’re not enough to bring salvation to this lowly sinner of a film – still, you’ll be too busy singing to care.

The latest Broadway show to hit the silver screen is an eclectic celebration of all things 80s, unless those things include drugs or AIDS or, you know, anything of genuine interest or significance bar Tom Cruise in leather chaps. Boasting a ruthlessly PG-ified script, a series of songs you’ll probably never have heard before and Bryan Cranston getting gently spanked, Rock of Ages is just silly enough to take the edge off how dull it is.

So she’s now Dame Helen Lydia Mironoff, HWoF? That’s a mouthful.

Alternate history epic? Creature feature? Gothic horror? Maverick director Timur Bekmambetov’s latest film struggles with as much of an identity crisis as its politician/lawyer/Slayer hero, flitting from dry-as-dust declamation to 3D combat in the blink of a glowing red eye. Mind you, with a title like that…

THE D IS SILENT

It’s been a long, flag-based break, and we’re still not quite ready for the onslaught of the remainder of the week. Thank goodness then that we have the clammy embrace of TWO FOR ONE CINEMA to keep us motivated. THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S NOT MONDAY, IT’S WEDNESDAY! We’re living in the future!

BUT THE TIGERS COME AT NIGHT

Yep, it’s another one of those films where very clean celebrities pretend to have names like “Holly” and “Gary” and there’s just loads of them, loads of them scuttling around like glowing, plastic noise-rats shouting “UH OH! BABIES!” and it’s funny until it’s not and then it is again because sad emotions only last as long as a scene of about four minutes, and then it’s BACK TO CHRIS ROCK DOING HIS JOKES and people in bikinis and Jennifer Lopez realising stuff and then crying so gently. Just call it Middle Class Heteros Have Kids (You Don’t Even Get To See Them Shag), and be done with it.

Piranha 3D was the surprise hit of 2010, blending knowing references to its glorious B-movie heritage with a truly unfeasible supply of boobs, blood, boobs, fish, boobs, Christopher Lloyd and boobs. Can its long-awaited sequel work the same schlocky magic? …No, no it can’t. Piranha 3DD is exactly as bad as we expected its predecessor to be.

IT’S ABOUT TIME. Seriously though it is.