Only if Bruce Willis joins as Audrey

Will Ferrell flexes his language skills and breaks out the bootlace ties for this Spanish-language action/comedy mezcla. Ever wanted to see some of Mexico’s most critically acclaimed actors charge around like they’re in a dire 70s soap opera whilst Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite says “I like bitches” over and over again? YOU’RE IN LUCK! Dodge the bullets and the dud gags and you’ll find plenty to enjoy here.

TIME IS TICKING

JESUS don’t you miss the 90s? Back when simple things like sexism, homophobia, genuinely discomforting criminal activity weren’t yet tropes to be satirised, but instead Hilarious Jokes For Films With Jokes In? When boys were boys, girls were semen-buckets, people were desperately young and nothing mattered except the people being desperately young and buckety forever? Thank God then that American Reunion is here to remind us all that the golden era is alive and well. And when we say GOLDEN era, we probably mean WEEING ON YOU or something LOL cos of YELLOW and that’s how, you know, DUDE YOU KNOW IT

With a plot as cheerfully convoluted as its title, viewers might start to feel sea-sick trying to keep up with the ridiculous twists and turns of The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists. But does it matter? Not really. This is home-made Aardman animation at its most visually dazzling, and the love, humour and detail locked in every frame ensures that story quibbles are soon tossed over-board.

EXHAUSTIVE AMOUNT OF ROCK

With the last days of Edgar Allen Poe proving an enduring mystery, James McTeigue poses an account of the poet’s final days that sees him investigating a spate of murders based on his previous works. Drawing a mixed response from critics, we can at least rest assured that it couldn’t possibly be any worse than his 2009 effort, Ninja Assassin. Right? RIGHT?

Have you seen the weather? It’s ghastly – never mind that you were having a picnic last weekend, Jack Frost is back and he’s all too ready to introduce an icicle to your most jealously guarded passages. Why not sit in a nice cosy cinema with someone huggable instead of wandering around outside? OWLTIME:

Why aren’t we famous enough to not need first names?

The English-language debut of Swedish thriller director Daniel Espinosa is a “high-octane”, “intense”, “no holds barred” (delete as appropriate) maelstrom of secrets, spies and badly edited fight scenes. The cast is fine and it’s always nice to go back to South Africa (fokken prawns!), but surely we’ve outgrown two hour gunfights interspersed with trash talk?