The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is a horrendous mishmash of CGI-dependent action sequences and poorly-paced unconvincing drama; but rather like a dwarf in a river-borne barrel, it bobs along rather nicely. Also like a dwarf, it carries quite a lot of extra flab around the middle, but its unassailable charisma and magnificent facial hair…
Make some effort, Pete.
People once believed that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of remakes. Welcome to that land
La la la isn’t Dwayne Johnson just amazing.
Legolas is back! At Lego-last…
Heeey look it’s Jordana Brewster! What’s she been up to lately? Sod all? What a shock!
ZOOMY ZOOMY SHOOTY SHOOTY
Except the writers don’t know the word ‘antagonist’, so let’s just say BADDIE
With the last days of Edgar Allen Poe proving an enduring mystery, James McTeigue poses an account of the poet’s final days that sees him investigating a spate of murders based on his previous works. Drawing a mixed response from critics, we can at least rest assured that it couldn’t possibly be any worse than his 2009 effort, Ninja Assassin. Right? RIGHT?
He made her an offer she coul- sorry, we’ll get our coats.