Wait, the apocalypse has been cancelled!? We were SO looking forward to it

Where’s my goddamn Hellboy trilogy, Guillermo del Toro!?

‘Coz there’s no such thing as too much!

China gets ready to rumble with Crimson Typhoon

We even translated French for you.

In which Cupid goes on a bloody rampage through downtown New York. Maybe.

So you’ve made a sex tape…

BIG RED’S BACK!

The witching hour approaches and the fire is burning low, dear friends. So gather close and listen we list some of the greatest Halloween classics to… what? Made them up? Of course not! All of these are one hundred percent genuine films. If by genuine you mean that they came to us in a dream and we wrote them down and crudely edited some images. In that case they totally are.

Paul WS Anderson has committed the greatest act of cultural rape since Stephenie Meyer thought “Whitby and dogs are all very well, but none of it’s really sparkly enough…”. The Three Musketeers is plagiarised from so many disparate sources that I can scarcely keep up with them – unfortunately, however, Alexandre Dumas’ classic romance isn’t among them. This film is unforgivable.