Fact. Also, the poster’s out for her new movie

There is a very popular and controversial book doing the rounds in Hollywood at the moment. It is full of whores and heroes. No, it isn’t Fifty Shades. It is..

A new month, a new Spider-Man and a new batch of Best For Film writers! How on earth will you work out what to see this evening without us? No reasonable human could be expected to choose between Webhead, Kristen Wiig, Abraham Lincoln, Joel Murray’s little brother and Dolly Parton – fortunately, however, we’re not reasonble. Or human.

PLEASE cop off with Philip Seymour Hoffman onset. Do it for us.

Different roles. Obviously.

Despite the big names on screen and behind the camera, Cosmopolis is the most niche film of 2012; emotionally frigid, wilfully obtuse and very, very talky. But it’s a delicacy, not a feast, and catching it in the right mood could leave you with one of the year’s more rewarding cinema experiences.

We’re too bored to say anything funny.

If you have a child today, call it Plutarch Seymour Hoffman. You are commanded.

Soon to be renamed ‘Going Sparkly’.

Hey, you know that saying about the eyes being the window to your soul? What if the window opened up into a nightmare, wrapped in a murder, nestled in an insane asylum? Don’t understand? You will, my friend, oh you will.